You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Butt weight. There’s more!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
For anyone who needs this today
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*