I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep