What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Sorry. Not sorry
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
me doing my best
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot