One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
You Might Also Like
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there