Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.