me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
it was love at first sight
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?