like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?