*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
scared to check what name she chose
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.