Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.