Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!