Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
You Might Also Like
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
What do you hear?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.