SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me