Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly