Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I needed a laugh this morning.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?