Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
anyone else like Italian cereal
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY