i’ve found my new favorite subculture
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.