A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
omg leave her alone
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.