they should invent a rest for the wicked
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Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Siri, fight Alexa.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.