do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!