[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.