Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
it’s finally my moment to shine
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.