Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
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Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.