I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.