Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
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ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Discuss
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.