Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
You Might Also Like
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Don’t touch that.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup