My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.