“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
*jingles half the way*
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do