If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
What about a To-Don’t List?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
mood
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*