My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.