[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
🍛
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
The sacred texts.