Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”