I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers