They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.