Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Yup
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.