Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock