[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.