I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
🚲+physics = winner
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“The Perfect Relationship”
the three branches of government