In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket