My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch