If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast