*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.