her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real鈥y kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My wife: That鈥檚 not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I鈥檓 going to play Playstation.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 馃槀 instead of 馃敟 on a sexy dm room pic.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I鈥檝e been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he鈥檚 back.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af