Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Pandas 🐼🖤
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.