Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
scared to check what name she chose
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
based al yankovic
That’s amazing.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.