BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.