[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
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Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.