Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
lmao
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.