My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
The happy life.. 😊
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.