My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
DOOO EEEET
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?