I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?